Aishiteru
by Melodic Masterpiece
Summary: Love? Murder? Regret? Who knew Light Yagami was capable of such absurdities? Light makes some life-altering realizations on the way to visit L.


**Disclaimer:** Yeah. Don't own Death Note.

**A/N: **Just something I wrote on a whim. The end was written on a real life experience. Sort of. Just read it. [Please?] :]

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He walked out the door of the hotel, absolutely exhausted. Who knew that being L _and_ Kira would be so complicated? And yet, now he was so terribly bored. Nothing interesting happened anymore. No challenges. He had his team running in circles easily, and not a single one suspected anything.

Why should they? He was the great Yagami Light. If anyone was to get them anywhere in this case after L's devastating death, it should be him, right? The funny thing was, if he _wasn't_ Kira, that would have easily been done. He knew he would have the case already solved. Actually, L would have never died if anybody else had been Kira. He and L would have worked together and caught Kira in record time. Ah, what a beautiful situation that would have been.

But that is not the case, for if anyone else had been Kira, he seriously doubted that anyone would have taken their newfound power to become the righteous god he knew himself to be. Without him, the rest of the Kiras would have been lost, probably wasting away their power on greed or envy. But no. He knew the right way, as they saw, and they followed. Criminals were no longer at large; something he prided himself in. Well, unless you consider Kira to be a criminal, which was a silly notion in itself. How could someone so against criminals be a criminal? How could he, himself, be on the other side of the law? He was raised with impecible morals and judgement, and now he put them to use. Simple as that.

Unfortunately, seeing as said criminals were becoming more frightened to act, -_More frightened to act? No. Just learning their lessons, right?-_ he almost had nothing to do for both of his faces. Kira didn't have many to bring to justice and the team would lose sight of Kira for a while. But wasn't this what he wanted the entire time? For crime to stop, leaving innocent people at peace? Yes, exactly, but it was just so boring! His intellegence was probably rotting away since L wasn't around anymore...

Wait! Stopping that thought right there. He couldn't possibly be wishing for L again, could he? This is ridiculous! He went through the same ritual every night: wishing L was still alive, and then assuring himself that he did the right thing by _killing his only friend_. Because that's what he did, didn't he? He killed the only person that he actually liked in this stupid, ignorant world. Why? Why did the one person in this world that he could have an actual conversation with be the one person in this world he had to kill the most?

_Because that's how it always works._ He knew he had to make a decision. Happiness or power. _Wait. Did he actually just put L on the 'happiness' side of the scale?_ L. The person who infuriated him the most. The one person who didn't trust him with their entire being. The one who didn't follow him on his every whim. But that was why Light liked him. L wasn't blinded by the many devious tricks he had up his sleeve, probably because he had enough of his own.

Ah, how he missed their... well, everything. Everything he did with L was entertaining, whether it made him angry or not. He loved the witty banter that went over everyone else's heads. And it was so fun to mess with Matsuda with L. He could laugh so hard just thinking about it, and not one of his Kira laughs either. A true, happy laugh. A laugh he can only remember doing while his memories of Kira were temporarily misplaced. A time when it was just he and L. No Kira in between. And if he were to be honest- something he never felt the need of doing- that was the best time of his entire life.

Ok, so maybe killing L wasn't the _best_ decision, but now he had all of the power in the world. That was something to be happy about, right? He was L and Kira! This was his dream! Why couldn't he enjoying it? So, maybe harrassing Matsuda wasn't as fun anymore. And maybe there wasn't anybody to have an intellectual conversation with anymore. But that doesn't mean he should be so _depressed._

That's what he was, wasn't it? Depressed. It's such an ugly world, one ill-suited for Yagami Light. And yet, there he was. Freaking depressed. Gods don't get depressed! They're perfect, like he is! Stupid L...

How could L have such an effect on him, even through death? It's impossible. He should have moved on by now, but here he was, reminiscing over the _good times_ with L. Isn't this what women did? Look all googoo eyed while thinking about the one they love and write 'I love you' all over an insignificant piece of paper. Idiots.

Wait.

_Love??_

He never said he loved him! Merely liked him. A _friend!_ That's all. So why was he comparing his feelings to those of a love-sick woman? _Because that was the only way to express what his heart hid._ Ha. Heart? What heart? He's Kira. He's L. His job doesn't call for a heart. It's impractical. Unneccesary. Nonexistant.

_You had a heart without your memories._ Ok. Fine. If only to stop arguing with himself, he had a heart. But that's past tense. _Had!!_ Said heart was ripped out when... L... died...

_Freaking A!_

Ok. What if he said he _might_ have loved him? What exactly does that change? Absolutely nothing. It's not like he could bring L back. That's against all sciences he ever learned in school. So, even if he did love him, it doen't make the world any less boring. If anything, it just makes it more complicated. Knowing him, now that he's had this thought, it's not going to go away. He's now Kira, L, and, _Dare he say it? _Love of L? No, for that would imply that L loved him back. Now _that_ would have been impossible.

_What if?_

Yes. What if L had loved him back? What if he had realized his feelings -_Ah, how he despised the word_- before it was too late? Could there of been something significant between the two of them? Easily. With their skills, they could've become the most important people on the planet. Detectives? Oh yes. It would have been thrilling. Never boring between the two of them. He wouldn't be... _depressed._

But what of Kira? He couldn't throw it away, right? He had work so hard, and what he did worked too. Criminals stopped. There's nothing wrong with that! That's great! Perfect! Though, thinking about what L had mentioned long ago, what of the people who've repented? The ones who never meant to do it in the first place? Or, what of the innocently accused? Even Kira could admit that everyone in jail wasn't guilty. Is that his problem? Was he, himself, blind to all the exemptions that L tried to show him? He was killing off the people he tried to protect. The ends justify the means? What of the families that were hurt because of his doings? They'll never get their loved ones back. And it was his fault.

But if L was right all along, how could Kira win? _Because the good guys don't always win._ He should have realized this in the first place! Imagine all of the good he and L could have done together! He could have been justice like he wanted to, but with someone at his side. He wouldn't be lonely and he wouldn't be a murderer. Because that's what he is. A murderer. Kira. Death.

So, what was he to do now? He was questioning his entire being; his heart, his motives, everything! Everything L told him was right. He is a murderer, but he can't turn himself in now. Back then, maybe he could have talked L into sparing him. Maybe if _love_ had been in the picture, it would have been even easier. But now? He _is _L. But he is also Kira. He can't cover himself like that. And even if he didn't get executed, he would never be trusted again. Become his own detective like L? Absurd. What would he call himself? _Good Kira?_ Ha. He would never get anywhere.

Perhaps if he just stopped? If Kira just faded away, they'd have to close the case, right? Ryuk did say once Kira was finished, he'd die of his own heart attack. Well, that could easily be his _theory._ It's about as believable as everything else in this situation. Then what? Become L? L _is _the first letter of the English pronounciation of his name. He could even be L squared if he wanted to. Haha. L^2. Not a bad idea. He liked that better than Kira anyway.

He allowed himself a chuckle before arriving at his nightly destination. L's grave. He didn't know why he visited every day after the day was over. Maybe his heart knew of his love before his brain? Ugh. That sounded so _girly_. Ah well, the reason didn't matter. He just liked visiting. Walking up the grave, he got on his knees and shared with his L all he had discovered on his walk over here. Had it only taken ten minutes to discover both that he loved L and that being Kira was wrong? If only these ten minutes had occured a couple months ago. Then life wouldn't be so boring. _But it won't be boring much longer._ Case after case. He could even find his own Watari! Take only the cases that interest him just like L! How thrilling! He will no longer be a murderer. Splendid.

But, he will still be lonely. Life will never be the same. Sure, he can repent, but he doubted that anyone could ever fill the place L had in his heart. That spot was for L alone. Ah well. Memories alone must surfice. L's not coming back, but maybe he can look down and see the good _ex-Kira Light Yagami_ is doing and be proud. For L's acceptance has always made him happy, if only he had noticed before.

After confessing to the still grave stone, he sat silently, perhaps hopelessly wish that L's voice could magically speak through the inanimate object. If shinigami can give people death notes, then what's so impossible about that? But nothing came. Nothing but the sound of trees brushing against one another, avoiding the wind; warning of rain. A film cover was already building on the surface of the stone, like what forms on his apartment windows in the morning. And feeling all the bit like a love-sick girl he was insulting earlier, he started writing 'I love you' all over the surface. He wrote in every language he knew, including the English "I love you," the Spanish "Te amo," and the French "J'taime," intentionally avoiding the Japanese phrase that would make it all the more real.

Laughing quietly at himself as he realized how silly he must look, he stood up from the grave and walked away. He didn't want to be caught in the rain, and he needs get some sleep tonight so he'll be ready for work tomorrow. Allowing himself one last glance, he bid his L goodbye and left the private graveyard, unaware of the letters slowly appearing underneath his list of confessions on the stone. If he had looked harder, he would have seen a unbelievably familiar script ghost out the avoided word, completing the collage of languages; Aishiteru.


End file.
